“SuperB” Bowl

Ok, I’ll admit it. I didn’t care much if I missed watching the Super Bowl this year. I had no allegiance to either team, although I suppose I was kinda hoping the Cardinals would take it, just because the Steelers ended my beloved Chargers drive for the AFC Championship. But I still couldn’t bring myself to admit they deserved the ring. But face it- the Steelers are not unfamiliar to this pressure; they have 5 Super Bowl rings already. They’re huge and physical and if Roethlisberger could keep his nerves in check, they’d probably be unstoppable. Still, I couldn’t bring myself to admit they deserved a ring either. So I flipped on the game pretty much for the commercials.

Yet I couldn’t have been more wrong. Except for a few of them, the commercials were lame. And the game was one of the best ever. Maybe they should always have a Runner-Up Super Bowl, where teams that don’t seem likely to make it to the final game but who would be a good matchup on the field get a chance for a Super Bowl medallion, crown, friendship bracelet, something- maybe just bragging rights? The Cardinals had some slippery fingers trying to make some catches but did have a few incredible drives. However, it was the Steelers who made some of the most unbelievable plays ever in a Super Bowl game and towards the end, there was more back and forth than a tennis match.

First, the commercials. Pepsi and Coke seemed to be competing for who could push more consumers to their competition- bring out the polar bears at least… And the Career Builder ad that started with the lady screaming on her way to work, the man referring to his coworker as “Hey Dummy,” and the woman trying to escape into a fantasy of riding a double horned unicorn through the ocean water was cute at first, but the repetition had me hoping to punch the Donald Draper behind this moronic marketing more than any small animal. Enough with the Groundhog Day already! Bud Light professed drinkability, which I guess is the science behind stomaching piss beer. I’d be more inclined to throw that crap out the window than the guy who suggests they cut out the beer at the meetings. Maybe he should suggest a tasty Belgian ale instead- perhaps something from InBev! The Budweiser Clydesdales are always fun to watch. Noticeably absent from the million dollar ad lineup? The “Big 3” automakers (which should really be how we refer to Toyota, Honda, and Nissan from now on) decided for once, not to use a dime of our taxpayer handout to fund an incessantly boring ad for cars that don’t sell. The porn industry is also looking for a share of taxpayer money. Congress is looking into adding the Porn “Reach Around” into the rear of Bank “Bailout” bill.

The best ads IMO, were the Bridgestone ones. I laughed when Mrs. Potato Head lost her mouth around that curve. And wrap your wheels in fine Bridgestone rubber if you want to keep the squirrel population alive. Even astronauts aren’t immune to their wheels being jacked according to the Bridgestone ad where the astronauts finding the spaceship up on cinder blocks. I also like the Doritos commercial with the “crystal ball buster.” But I bemoan yet another Fast and the Furious movie. Give it up already. I stopped watching after the first one, when they showed both a turbo and a header to be installed on the one engine. Finally, I’m glad to see Ed McMahon and MC Hammer given a chance to pay their ballooning mortgage payments and buy balloon pants with royalties from the hilarious Cash4Gold ad.

Now the game- Holy Mackarel Batman! With 18 total penalties for 162 yards, this was the most exciting game of “flag football” I’ve ever witnessed. The Steelers scored the first 10 points with a Jeff Reed field goal and 1 yard run from Gary Russell. The Cardinals answered back with an 83 yard drive culminating in a Ben Patrick TD. Score- 10 to 7. As time expired in the first half, Steelers linebacker James Harrison showed blitz, then dropped right, to the exact location of a short Kurt Warner pass at the endzone intended for Anquan Bolden. Harrison’s 100 yard dash skirted the white line like an Amy Winehouse coke snort and broke tackles like a hundred pound sea bass, for the longest return in Super Bowl history.

Photo courtesy of Steelers

Halftime score- 17 to 7, Steelers. One more field goal and the Steelers had a 20-7 lead going into the fourth. Two Cardinals touchdowns to Larry Fitzgerald including a 64 yard catch and run, and a safety gave Arizona a 23-20 lead with just 2:37 left to play. Down but not out, Roethlisberger led the Steelers down the field, completing an eight play drive with a high pass to Santonio Holmes in the far right side of the endzone.

Holmes somehow came up with the ball and barely tapped both feet in for the touchdown, giving the Steelers a 27-23 lead with 35 seconds left, a lead the Cardinals were not able to overcome. 35 seconds is also how much time remained on the clock last year when Plaxico Burress caught the winning TD for the Giants, denying the Patriots a page in NFL history with a perfect 19-0 record. The Bolts better have some off-season plans to put together a winning team.