Jul 2009 29

Driving is a skill and I don’t think it’s necessarily a hard one but it takes practice and attention to be good at it.  Most people reading this probably think they’re good drivers, but I know some of my readers are not (wink, wink).  Of course, if you ask me I’m just going to say “no, I definitely wasn’t referring to you…” but take a gander at my driving rules below to identify what side of the road you are on.

1) Use turn signals, but keep in mind a turn signal is not your signed permission slip into my lane.  Just because my front bumper is not magically fused to the rear of the car in front of me doesn’t mean that measly space was left open for you.  Especially since I know as soon as you get in front of me, you’re going to brake because otherwise you’d become the super glue in a car sandwich.

2) Your rear view mirror is not meant for checking yourself out.  Fine, if you’re at a long red light and think you have spinach in your teeth and there’s a good chance that at the next long red light you might pull up next to whatever you’re attracted to (MILF’s, married men, transvestites- I’m not judging!), go ahead and glance at your reflection, but otherwise keep your mirror transfixed on the road behind you.  And use it every once in awhile!

3) Applying makeup, doing your hair, reading a book, changing your underwear, operating as a phone sex operator, typing your autobiography, breastfeeding, whatever- these are all activities that should be left to a parking space, not highway speeds!

4) When merging onto the highway, step on the gas.  It’s a much more seamless operation when you’re not making it out to be a game of Frogger.  And once you get on the highway, don’t just carelessly meander to the far left lane.  I had to slam on both my brakes and my horn this morning for this stupid reason.  Now which of my hands is free to give you the finger? 

5) And for the idiots in the right lane who should expect merging vehicles will be getting on at slightly lower speeds, just because you have to slow down 10-15mph to let one in doesn’t give you the right to cut off the person in the lane next to you, now slowing them down 10-15mph.  Learn to merge! 

6) Left lane is not for cruising, it’s for passing.  It’s not your responsibility to keep everyone below the speed limit.

So buy a clue already drivers and I’m always willing to help you out if you fall in my &@%#$ (colorful language) category.


  1. Tom Foley says:

    Oh my, someone must have cut you off real good.

    I’ll have to remember all that the next time I forget to take you to Capone’s or CAH.

  2. CA says:

    I really enjoy those who confuse the gas/brake pedal as ‘on + off’ switches lol.