Foot to the balls

There are very few jobs (bounty hunter, road kill collector, head urinal polisher maybe) where applicants can overlook the “ever been convicted of a crime” question and be rewarded with multi year deals and millions of dollars. Michael Vick does not belong back in the NFL as a starter, backup, or even water boy. I don’t care what kind of talent he has (or had). These professional athletes are idolized and respected by millions of young kids who look up to the pedestal we put these guys on, which is obviously above the law… As for Vick’s interview with the lawyers and PR firms trying to give this story an activist spin, I’ve heard enough of the rehearsed bullshit coming out of his mouth. He doesn’t feel bad for how he treated those animals- he’s just missing the cabbage. Quit giving this guy airtime!

But I guess I should expect this from a team whose coach can’t keep his own family or team out of legal trouble. At the Eagles training camp last week, Juqua Parker was taken into custody for possessing a (not quite performance enhancing…) “herbal remedy” after a traffic stop. Is there even an NFL team without a convicted criminal in the first string? Drugs, gambling, extortion, DUI’s, domestic abuse, armed robbery, rape, murder, why don’t we just start prison football teams as this is where many of the players belong? Too bad they just get a slap on the wrist. Give them the real prison experience- you know, the drop the soap version!

Nothing beats the 2000 Super Bowl which featured 13 convicted criminals, including Ray Lewis, the Ravens linebacker and (can you believe this?) NFL’s Defensive Player of the Year, one of three people arrested after two people were stabbed to death, though later only convicted of obstruction to a murder investigation in exchange to his testimony which went mostly something like “You all be trippin’.” Lewis fled the murder scene in his limo, conveniently misplaced his clothes, and lied to police about his whereabouts even though countless witnesses placed him at the murder scene.

So Commissioner Roger Goodell wants to clean up the NFL, and how does he start? By reinstating Donte Stallworth to play just after the upcoming Super Bowl, months after his DUI accident last March KILLED a man. He served just 24 days for the accident and I know the victim wasn’t in the crosswalk but what type of punishment is that for anyone driving with a 0.126 blood alcohol level (and marijuana), even if they just hit a stop sign (“it jumped out in front of me…”)! And there’s Lamar Smith who paralyzed teammate Mike Frier while driving drunk. And Christian Peter, whose substance abuse is overlooked only because he’s also a convicted sex offender. And Lawrence Phillips, who practiced tossing around the pigskin by throwing his girlfriend down a flight of stairs. And of course the infamous “Love Boat” incident of the Minnesota Vikings which then spawned the Vikings owner to produce a 77 page code of conduct and to fire Coach Mike Tice, just to later release wide receiver Koren Robinson after a drunk driving and evading police incident and the scandal of safety Dwight Smith caught banging some chick in a stairwell at a nightclub. Maybe they should have offered a picture book version… I could go on- Matt Jones, the Jags wide receiver with a candy habit, the Chargers DEA incident and linebacker Steve Foley shooting. Maybe we should require these criminals to don orange jumpsuits for uniforms…

Pete Rose picked the wrong sport. How does a guy (future Hall of Famer if it weren’t for this) get banned from baseball for life for gambling? Maybe he can just do a few public service announcements and make a few donations to Gamblers Anonymous… after all, that’s all it seems to take in the NFL.