Sep 2010 23

car cartoonimg_0594S.T.D. = Serious Trouble Driving

You know- issues in the drivers seat, not the back seat! 

I was strangling my steering wheel so hard coming home from work today, I figured I’d bent it.  Are they still giving away drivers licenses in Cracker Jack boxes?  I see way too many moronic moves on the road to feel safe behind the wheel.  Here’s a little driving test- rate your ability on the road.

Give yourself 1 point if you answer yes to the following questions:

1)      Do you use your cell phone, iphone, blackberry, a tin cup and string to yell at your kids/husband/boss or text?  Give yourself 2 points for sexting, 3 if you’re taking those naked pics while on the road.

2)      Do your speeds go up and down like a bipolar person’s mood swings? 

3)      Have you ever introduced your car to a pole, curb (besides parallel parking), or pedestrian?  Gone sign-hunting?

4)      Do you seem to need new brakes or tires each year?  2 points if you need to replace your entire car…

5)      Do you use your rear view mirror to apply mascara, floss your teeth with your crack nail, or clean your mistress’ lipstick off your collar?

6)      Have you ever accidentally gone off-roading?  Add 5 points if you’ve gotten all 4 tires off the ground at the same time or your car perpendicular to the horizon.

 

car accidentBONUS ROUND!!!!

Add 1 point for each “incident” currently on your record (ie. accident, moving violation).

Add 3 points if you have no car insurance.

Subtract 1 point if you’ve ever attended a track-sanctioned hotlapping or autocross event; add 1 point for street-racing.

Add 1 point if you drive a BMW 3-series or Porsche Boxster; double that if you think those are fast cars.  Triple that if the Boxster has orange (“sand beige”) interior leather and your name is Bob.

WHAT’S YOUR SCORE?

car cartoon 20-3 points: Are you free Saturday night?  I could use a driver.

4-6 points: I’ll get in the passenger seat but sound like a backseat driver; prepare yourself for helpful driving tips.

7-10 points: Please limit your driving to between 4- 5am; in Arkansas. 

11-15 points: Who did you pay off in the DMV to get licensed?  Or ace the oral exam…

More than 15 points: Lose your keys and learn the bus schedule before you kill somebody.