GTR dun

Nissan includes a Customer Disclosure Form with the purchase of the GTR. It’s basically a Bible on how to maximize your ownership of this “low production, high performance sports car” but it reads more like a cult-regulated checklist of information. The disclosure states brake pad and rotor wear will be higher than you have probably experienced, and you must replace all four sets of pads and rotors at the same time. One flat tire? You’ll take four new ones, thanks. Ride quality may be harsh and jolting. No problem- Nissan will tell you that you’re just not familiar with a true race suspension. Everything will groan, squeak, and squeal more than a well satisfied client at a brothel so enjoy the racket. Your car will come already “road tested” (with miles) and may take months to deliver. And when you get it, it may conjure up memories of online dating. That’s not what you thought you had settled on- wasn’t she a redhead outfitted in camel leather, not a tanning bed addict dressed from top to bottom in black? And the price will be decided upon final delivery similar to the final spin the wheel round on The Price is Right. “Let’s go big money!”

Nissan has also turned to Big Brother like tactics with the GTR, monitoring your driving style and governing your driving experience. All warranty repairs must be completed at a Nissan certified GTR dealer and they HIGHLY suggest all other work be completed there as well. That includes all regular maintenance, a rigorous schedule more packed than that of a 12 year old boy with a sore right hand and the swimsuit copy of Sports Illustrated. Don’t worry- these “Performance Optimization Services” (well just refer to them going forward as POS…) are free of charge, but provide an excellent opportunity for Nissan to inspect the VSDR (Vehicle System Data Recorder, a “black box on steroids”) to make sure you were operating the vehicle within strict guidelines. Racing or competitive driving on the track or anywhere, hooking your car up to the dyno (other than state required emissions testing), even driving with the VDC Off (prohibited except when stuck in mud or snow), could void your warranty, an acronym I refer to as SOL. Any computer, control unit, electronic module that’s replaced, reprogrammed, or disconnected will result in the Warranty Nazi forwarding your picture to GTR dealers everywhere as a blacklist. I think there’s even a protocol for setting a new radio station or adjusting your seat!

If you have a mechanical prowess that involves tinkering on the engine, lose it. You better consult the “Liquid Standardization Diagram” (LSD?) in the owner’s manual before even topping off some fluids. The car has been tuned specifically to run on 0W-40 100% synthetic Mobil 1. Brakes don’t work? Maybe you didn’t use R35 Special 2 brake fluid. Invest in some genuine 100% synthetic Nissan R35 transmission oil for the clutch and Nissan claims 100% synthetic, 75W-140 Castrol SAF-XJ high viscosity gear oil is the only thing that can protect the mechanical limited slip differential. Even the coolant mixture must be an exact ratio.

You thought you bought a race car; you really purchased a bitchy trailer queen. You, ma’am, financed a quicker journey from middle age to retirement, filled with leisurely jaunts to the grocery store. You, sir, will have the coolest looking car at the AARP meetings even if it can’t be driven fast enough to blow your toupee off. And since I don’t have a toupee, I still want one- a GTR that is! What, are you senile already???  And I’m going to drive the crap out of it, warranties be dammed!